You are masking feelings of emotional pain that you do not want to feel. You seriously question whether you are a good person or not. This deep fear drives you away from facing any negative feeling that might reinforce that horrifying conclusion. You seek love everywhere else, but you are nourishing the insecurity instead of healing it. You are compensating, trying to fill the void of love, but it's not working. You do it again and again, hoping that the short relief will last. It doesn't. Rational thought takes a back seat as you run from issues and emotions. Not believing in your inherent value/worth and not accepting yourself feeds the persistent pains. You're putting a square peg into a round hole.
The power to find relief is found within you through honestly caring for every part of yourself: mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual. Consider deeply and personally connecting with a divine source. Beating yourself up in your low moments isn't helping. Love yourself through your mistakes to nourish yourself back to strength, hope, and health. Confront the hidden negative belief patterns and emotions. As you face yourself, and honor the divine part within you, you can grow into what is truly you. Reach out for help and honor the need for true self-responsibility.